An Early Christmas...

For an early Christmas this year, my ex-wife (the somewhat dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me (yes, we still get along). Although I am still in great shape since playing football 20 some-odd years ago and climbing the Sandia Mountians since 1989, except for the last five years or so, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Cindy, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My Ex seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started, since I wouldn't be bothering her! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Last Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, since having a few cold ones while watching the game, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Cindy waiting for me (OMG). She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!! I feel like I'm 28 again....

Cindy gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit (once again, OMG). I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class, it almost gave me a heart attack.

Very inspiring, Cindy was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Last Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee (and a few no-doze), but I finally made it out the door. Cindy made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Cindy's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me, I think I found my next future ex-wife.

Last Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Cindy was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying, and you wish you had duck-tape.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Cindy put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Cindy told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

Last Thursday: Cindy was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Cindy took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Andy in to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

Last Friday: I hate that bitch Cindy more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the his tory of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Cindy wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Last Saturday: Cindy left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my Laptop. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Last Sunday: I'm had the Church van pick me up for services so I could thank GOD that the week from Hell was over. I will also pray that next year, my ex-wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun like root canal or a vasectomy.