Linux Kernel Delayed By Microsoft's Army of Evil Monkeys

Around the World - Linus Torvalds announced yesterday that the Linux Kernel will be delayed. He blamed the delay on interference from Microsoft's Army of Evil Monkeys. The army has been disrupting the lives of key Linux programmers, and in some cases destroying portions of code. Torvalds himself has been a victim of several Evil Monkey attacks.

Evil Monkeys Steve Ballmer denied any involvement by Microsoft in the matter. "We did receive the Army of Evil Monkeys when we purchased evil from Satan, but those monkeys are only temporary employees and are not actual employees of Microsoft. Whatever they do on their own time is their business."

The Department of Justice said, "If this story is accurate, then this is just one more example of how Microsoft is using its monopoly power to stifle competition."

"It has been horrible, horrible," said Linux programmer Andy (last name withheld)., "the evil monkeys were everywhere. Trashing my computer, having monkey business in my bed. I lost several days worth of work."

Internal Microsoft e-mails obtained tell of a secret monkey training camp where the monkeys are trained to seek out and harass Linux programmers. The only comments from Bill Gates have been, "Fly my pretty, fly!"